Lonely Dreams and Uttered Plea's
by Alerix Slynn
Summary: "Wake up, McKay." He heard Sheppard whisper forlornly. McKay whump. McKay has been Kidnapped, he's losing hope and Sheppard is losing his mind. Old Story, don't read!
1. Chapter 1

Lonely Dreams and Uttered Plea's

A shudder. A shiver. A long winded sigh.

Rodney McKay convulsed around the booted foot that hit him in the stomach. He gagged and then stifled a whimpering little sound as his attacker loomed above him.

"No more, please, no more." Rodney managed to wheeze between swollen and cracked lips. He rolled his eyes up to his attacker, blinked in the dim light and tried to think through the haze of pain, exhaustion and the lingering drugs still running through his veins.

"Are you willing to give us the IDC for the gate now, Doctor McKay?" Said an amused voice and a tall figure detached itself from the shadows of the small cell.

McKay frowned, momentarily confounded.

"What?"

The figure leaned in, broke through the shadows until Kolya's face hovered above his own. McKay stared into eyes as cold and hard as ice, there was no mercy in those eyes, nothing but a blank mask.

"Give me the identification code for Atlantis, Doctor McKay. If you give it to me, you will be free to go." Kolya said, his voice low and smooth.

McKay's mind caught up to the moment and he glared. His mouth worked to form some witty remark but he could not come up with anything, only a dull, "No."

"Then you will never be free." Kolya said, he stood slowly, never taking his gaze from McKays purpled rimmed eyes, and left the cell. McKay's attacker did not leave, instead, he gave a snide laugh and delivered a blow to McKay jaw that send him reeling and then spinning into a sickening darkness.

A dream, a nightmare, cascaded over his mind with the weight of a waterfall. He was standing in the gateroom of Atlantis. He smiled slightly, glad to be home, and then he saw Elizabeth running toward him, her face pinched with worry.

_Her mouth moved, she said something and alarm filled her eyes, Mckay could see her, but he could hear nothing. It was as if his ears were filled with wool, and only a strange, high pitched whistle filtered through. Elizabeth suddenly jerked to a halt, she looked to someone over McKay's shoulder and he turned to look as well._

_He stared down the barrel of a gun, a gun held by Sheppard, who was watching him with steely eyes that flashed yellow and then back. McKay opened his mouth to ask what the hell Sheppard was doing, but a searing, blinding pain abruptly sliced through his middle and something hot spilled down his front._

_McKay stared down at the blood soaking through his shirt, staining his hands. His legs buckled, the world spun. He reached for Sheppard but the other man only watched him fall, a sad look adorning his solemn features._

_"Wake up, McKay." He heard Sheppard whisper forlornly._

And McKay did.

He woke to a bitter coldness that had sunk deep to his bones. He lay huddled on his side, so cold and stiff that he could not move, he could feel the thin, scratchy blanket covering him but it did nothing to keep him warm.

Nothing at all.

He shivered so violently that his teeth clattered together and he bit his tongue. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth and made him feel nauseous. He spat the blood onto the grimy stone floor.

If his memory served him well, McKay had been captured by the Genii for seven days, but he wasn't completely certain. The team had been on a mission to retrieve another unit when they had been ambushed by the Genii who had been disguised as villagers. In all honestly, McKay had made for an easy target. He had practically run right into the Genii's outstretched arms.

And from then there had begun a routine. They locked McKay in the cell, came in every couple of hours to beat and torture him into giving up the ICD for the gate. There was food, a thin gruel that barely sustained him, and water that tasted of rust. McKay had not given them the IDC, his will was strong, but not that strong and he knew he would either give in, or give up. How long could he survive like this?

The door opened. A squeal of metal grating against metal. Two booted feet came into veiw, walked up to McKay until they sat an inch from his nose.

"Get up." A harshly familiar voice snarled and gave a sharp kick to McKay's shoulder.

Struggling first to his knees and then his feet, McKay slumped against the stone wall. He shivered and sniffed weakly.

"What, Kolya too lazy to visit me in person today?" He said waspishly, glad when his voice did not waver.

"Shut up and get moving." The Genii soldier jabbed the end of his gun into McKay's arm and McKay flinched, but got moving. He sidled through the door, peering down the long hallways curiously. His cell appeared to be but one of many, identical to every other and he wondered who else was hiding behind those metal doors, whether they were broken or fraying. McKay felt like he was fraying at the edges.

They shuffled down the long hallway until suddenly a door appeared in front of them, blossomed from darkness and almost smashing McKay's face when he did not pause or even attempt to stop. He blinked and swore and then waited while the Genii soldier pushed it open.

Illuminated in the darkness was a chair, McKay could clearly see the restraints on the arms and legs, and even at the back of the chair. His whole body quivered in fear and anxiety. He really did not want to sit in that chair.

The Genii soldier pushed McKay toward the chair and then folded him into it. McKay was quaking in his shoes, he watched every movement of the soldier as he was quickly restrained. The leather bindings bit in his wrists and ankles and the one at his neck was painfully tight. The door slammed shut.

And then he was alone

McKay blinked against the sudden blur of tears, feeling stupid and weak. How could he have let himself get into this situation?

It was at least an hour before the door was opened again. Kolya stood framed by a pale light, his stance was one of power, arrogance. This was a man who knew what he wanted and how to get to get it. McKay stared hard at him.

"I won't talk, Kolya. I won't." He babbled.

Kolya walked further into the room, the door closed behind him, and stalked up to McKay.

"You will. Pain is an insentive, Doctor McKay, pain will make you talk." Kolya said.

"No."

"Oh, yes."

It was then that Kolya took from one of the table's linning the wall, a thin needle. He jabbed it into McKay's neck and injected the bluish liquid. The world tilted and spun as McKay shook his head.

"Never...Never talk." He managed to wheeze before his lips went numb.

"You will."

OOO

**Atlantis**

Three days had passed and Sheppard found himself losing control. He had not been able to stop McKay from being taken, that guilt was eating him alive. He was supposed to protect his team, the people he led. But he had not been able to save McKay.

"We will find him, John. Of that I have no doubt." Teyla said softly, calmly. Sheppard couldn't understand how she could see things so clearly. His mind was in utter chaos, if anything happened to Rodney…well, he didn't know what he would do.

OOO

McKay was bent forward, face almost pressed to his shivering knees, in the chair. Blood dribbled from his lips and nose, flowed from the multitude of cuts and scraps adorning his face. Kolya stood over him, holding a device similar to a wraith stunner, and then he held it to McKay so that it hovered above his bared neck.

"The code, Doctor, give me the code and I will let you go."

McKay managed a tittering laugh that crawled up his throat and spilled from his lips like a hacking cough.

"I won't, and you won't. Even if I did tell you the code, and I never will, you would never let me go."

"You're right, of course. I would keep you as a hostage, and perhaps over time I would sell you. I know of many people who would pay dearly for the famed Doctor McKay."

McKay gulped.

"Not…going to…tell you." He hiccuped.

"For now." Kolya drawled.

He drew his arm back and struck his weapon across McKay's kneecap, shattering bone and causing McKay to scream in agony. The screams lasted a long time, bouncing against the metal walls to reverberate back to him. The scream died off to a whimper.

Kolya pressed the weapon to McKay's neck and pulled a leaver. A powerful jolt of electricity coursed through McKay's body, forcing him to twitch and jerk and pull at the restraints in helpless movements.

"Tell me the code."

McKay said nothing, he kept his head down and gasped in each painful breath, hoping his would black out soon.

"Tell me the code, Doctor." Kolya hissed.

McKay shook his head from side to side. _No_, he wanted to say, but his mouth would not work.

Kolya slammed the butt of the weapon to the muted man's temply and watched him crumpled against the chair. He found McKay's stubborness enjoyably, for he knew it would not last long under his attention.

"Take him back to his cell." Kolya ordered and one of the Genii soldiers came in. He untied the unconcious man and dragged him by the scruff of the neck down the hall.

McKay blearily opened his eyes to watch small lights pass overhead. He did not understand how he was moving, could feel nothing by the agony in his left knee, but he knew that he would not last long.

The world shuddered as he was tossed against a wall and the door slammed in his face. He sank to the ground where he curled into a pitifull ball and cradelled his shattered knee.

His mind slipped, slid down a long tunnel and he then dreamed.

_He lay in the infirmary, still, silent. Carson leaned over him, a kind expression on his always kind face. There was a moment when McKay felt relief unlike anything else, and then the world was ripped apart at the seams. Pain flashed across his vision like ribbons of crimson red._

_Carson watched him convulse on the bed, stood back as McKay lay dying before him. He reached out his hand to the kindly Doctor, and watched as he was silently ignored._

_He died in front of his friend, twitching in the last moments, struggling to regain himself. But he died._

_His soul left his body, the last strings of his mind straining to keep him attached. But they snapped, like pulling a tooth, and he was suddenly numbed from his body, floating in an abyss of nothing._

_Nothing._

_A great sadness pulled at him, told him that no help was coming, because no one wanted to help him. No one was willing to save him._

McKay woke and the day began all over again.

But this time, he felt an utter loneliness and the hope that usually lit his blue eyes, faded away.

* * *

Should I keep going with this story or shall it be a oneshot?

Thanks for reading!

Alerix Slynn


	2. Chapter 2

Lonely Dreams and Uttered Pleas

Broken.

Broken inside.

Broken on the outside.

"Fix me." McKay stuttered, his words catching on his chattering teeth. "Must fix myself."

But what had been broken could not be fixed. McKay tried not to move, his bones groaned a protest as he simply rolled onto his side and curled into a ball. A little whimper crawled its way passed his lips.

"Good at fixing things. Must fix myself. Must." McKay kept on, his mind befuddled as he tripped over the words.

Cold, bitter, icy, cold. McKay was shivering so badly that his muscles ached with exhaustion. His fingers curled into his cheeks as he rested his face on then, not wanting to touch the terribly cold stone floor. But there was one thing about the cold for which McKay was grateful for. His shattered knee had turned numb, only the stiffness and strange angle of his leg would have alerted anyone to his blight.

"Where's Carson? Carson can fix this, he's good at fixing people." McKay's mind wrapped around this thought, holding so tightly onto it that he could not let it go.

"Carson! Please! Carson, fix it!" He yelled, imagining the kindly doctor hurrying toward him and swathing him in safety and warmth and healing. But then a memory floated to the surface of his mind; of dying, of reaching out to Carson, of being ignored…

Tears blurred McKay eyes, burned at the back of his throat and spilled down his bruised and swollen cheeks.

"Carson….please."

McKay curled tighter into a ball, drawing his one shattered and one smooth knee up to his chin. His stomach growled, squirming in undeniable anguish. But strangley, McKay did not think about food. He was hungry, yes, he was cold, yes. But what he wanted, above all else, was Sheppard and Carson and Teyla and Ronon. He wanted his family.

OOO

John sighed as he tried to squelch the feeling of extreme guilt in his gut.

He couldn't sleep, that much was clear, the turmoil of his thoughts was going to drive him crazy. He felt bad, then, because god knew what McKay was going through right at that moment.

John lay there for several more moments. But he could not go to sleep. He grew restless, his skin itched as if insects were marching along his skin until he jerked up from the bed and stalked from his room.

He had to find McKay.

OOO

Three.

Four.

Five?

Five weeks.

McKay could feel his mind going blank. The daily routine was simple, easy to flow along with, the pain meshed into every minute and every breath. Kolya's face haunted the day and his death haunted his sleep.

Bang. _Bang_. **Bang.**

Someone was hitting the cell door, the sound was mocking, a slow knock that caused McKay to flinch each time it reverberated around the room.

"No. No. No." His whispers were pitifully weak.

The door opened and Kolya stood like a statue of steel and malice. His smile was one of smug knowing.

"Time to go, Doctor McKay." Kolya said.

McKay tried to react, was he supposed to be surprised? Angry? Scared? Was he supposed to feel anything?

"Get up, Doctor, we're moving."

_Moving, why are we moving? _McKay wondered, feeling much like a small child being left out of the conversation. But it may have been that his mind was no longer quite right, that he could barely remember why his knee wasn't working and why Sheppard wasn't saving him.

"Get up."

McKay's body quaked. He closed his eyes and began the long and painful struggle to stand up. His knee all but collapsed beneath him, a piece of flesh, a dead weight keeping him from walking. He cried out when Kolya slapped him, his head snapped back with the force of the blow, his teeth clicked together sharply. Kolya sneered.

"Get moving."

Another little piece of McKay's mind fell away.

"Moving…moving. Must get moving." McKay mumbled. His eyes were dull, and blank.

Without paying much attention, McKay was taken from the cell, his senses were cracking, flaking. He had lost so much already, but this was something different. This was when McKay's personality began to fall apart. He left small pieces of it in his wake, small memories and thoughts.

"Moving…must move." McKay whispered. They were at the end of the hall, McKay's leg twitched hazardously, but strangely, he couldn't feel a thing. It was almost like he was drifting…drifting…and then he was falling.

McKay's body collapsed in a wounded heap at Kolya's feet. Kolya motioned to the two Genii soldiers behind him and they moved forward, each taking a hold of McKay's arms so that they could drag him. They went through many corridors, a maze of identical walls and doors that would be a merciless death trap to any unknowing wanderers.

"Take him to the Gate and wait for me there." Kolya said and marched away, his smile was small, tiny, but still there.

The Genii soldiers dragged McKay, none too gently, through another corridor before they were met with a wide and open door. The world beyond was bright in contrast with the hollow black of the underground bunkers and tunnels they inhabited.

It was a nice day, the sun shone warmly on McKay's icy skin, but he did not feel it, not did he get the chance to see the sky, so vibrant and endless. If he had been awake, he would have cried, for when he had been at Atlantis, he had seen the sky every day. He would wake to it through his window, peer at it thoughtfully as he sat surrounded by some of the most amazing technology in the two galaxies.

But McKay did not wake from his unhealthy sleep, instead, he dreamed.

_There was little to do in the darkness, with nothing but the strange little stone in his hand. McKay decided to toss it, as one would toss a smooth pebble across a still lake to see it jump. He bent at the knees and got ready to swing, but as he drew back his arm, a voice jerked him out._

"_Rodney!" Teyla hissed anxiously. "Rodney, where are you?"_

_McKay frowned, he pointed to himself, poked a finger at his chest and gave Teyla a quizzical look._

"_I'm here…right here." He said quickly. _

_But Teyla looked even more despondent at McKay's words. She stepped toward him, and her hand shook as she reached out to touch his cheek. Her eyes were soft, and sad. McKay gripped the hand that touched him, grateful for the warmth._

_But it was a fleeting warmth._

"_You are not you, Rodney. You are but an empty husk. A poor imitation of a man I once knew as a friend. Where are you? Where are you really?"_

_Teyla snatched the small stone from McKay's hand, it slipped easily from his grasp._

"_Give that to me, you do not deserve it." Teyla jeered in abrupt anger and McKay shrank back, cowed. He did not remember this kind of anger._

"_Now leave, leave and come back only when you are you." Teyla said and turned away, she walked away from him with her head bent, studying the stone she now held as if it was of great significants. _

"_But…I am me." McKay whispered in desperation. His hand clenched against his chest, which was as cold and unyielding as glacier ice. "I've always been me."_

"_Always."_

McKay woke gagging on his own tears. He did not know why he cried, only that he felt an undeniable loss and grief at an unnameable memory. A another piece of his mind fell away.

"It is good to see that you are awake, Doctor McKay. You have been sleeping for quite a long time." The voice of Kolya almost sent McKay into a faint, he shouldn't have forgotten, couldn't have, but he had. Pain flared through his leg and his head.

But McKay did not speak out. He remained silent when Kolya came forward to drag him to his feet, and this gave him a chance to see his new surroundings.

A dark city, roads made of cobblestone and the stench of stale air and rotten food filled his nostrils, made his mind reel unpleasantly. His eyes roved over Kolya, over the two Genii soldiers and the guns at their sides. There was no one else, no one he could call on for help, he supposed that was why Kolya had chosen this place. For its empty nature.

And then his gaze settled back on Kolya.

"Tell me the IDC for Atlantis, Doctor, and there will be no more pain." Kolya murmured softly, almost dangerously.

McKay gulped, blinked blearily, let a helpless sound of pain fall from his lips as his shattered knee blinded him with ribbons of pure white agony.

"No? Then we will once again try to persuade you."

A forceful punch sent McKay backpedalling. Another caused him to lurch to one side and then tip onto his back. He shrieked when Kolya stepped on his knee and applied pressure by degrees. Tears were rolling down his cheeks now, soaking the vestiges of his shirt and the matted locks of his hair.

"Never."

"Never say never, Doctor."

McKay closed his eyes, and an image of Sheppard leaning over him with a worried expression appeared so strongly, and real, that for a moment he believed he was back on Atlantis. But he opened his eyes and the reality came crashing back.

"I'm _not_ me."

The realisation was disheartening, and McKay sank further into ennui.

* * *

I'm sorry for the abysmal chapter, it is too short and does not make a particular amount of sense.

I hope you enjoy it anyway. And special thanks to those who have reveiwed, you've gotten me through a tough time and make my days so much brighter.

Alerix Slynn.


	3. Chapter 3

Lonely Dreams and Uttered Pleas

A prayer, a scream, or maybe he uttered a plea.

McKay limped weakly in front of Kolya, his wrecked knee dragging lifelessly behind him. He stumbled down the stairs, walked blearily toward the one source of light ahead of him. Kolya was a cold presence at his back.

It was a tunnel, deserted and derelict, but Kolya seemed to know exactly where to go. It looked like an old jail to McKay, the doors had thin grates and heavy deadbolts. McKay gagged on the stench of death and old blood. His empty stomach churned threateningly and dizziness swept over him.

"Why…?" He wheezed and Kolya gave a brittle laugh.

"I have come to a realization, Doctor. You are not yet ready to give up the IDC for Atlantis, but you are more than capable of working with technology."

Kolya opened a door and swept McKay inside. It was a lab, that much was clear, large and small devices and machinery were piled high and everything had that rusted, cracked look that all Genii technology had.

"You're going to create a bomb, Doctor McKay." Kolya said. A smile flickered over his face.

"No…"

"Oh, Yes Doctor. You will make the bomb or you will die right here and now." Kolya threatened easily.

McKay slumped, eyes averted and staring at his battered feet.

He heard Kolya nod and begin walking to the door,

"Good." He said, and was gone, the door swinging shut behind him with a bone shacking slam. McKay was alone.

Kolya given no other instructions, no constraints or demands. Only to make a bomb. A bomb for what?

But McKay was not in the right mind, he couldn't think, let alone create a weapon of mass destruction, in his current condition. What if it blew up while he was putting it together? Well, he answered silently, he would die and be free of this place.

The little cogs and wires in McKay's mind began to wir, spinning at an increasing speed as an idea formed wordlessly in his mind.

"Bomb.." he said slowly. "Bomb means escape."

He hurried over to one of the benches and set to work, sweat already beading on his pale forehead.

OOO

"I have a clue to the whereabouts of the one you call Rodney McKay."

The voice crackled slightly, and Sheppard leaned closer to the screen, eyes steady on the face staring back at him.

"Where is he?" Sheppard asked, voice dangerously low.

Teyla looked at him for a moment, worried, and then regarded the man on the screen with a raised brow.  
"Where did you get this information, how do we know it is reliable?" She asked calmly.

The man on the screen looked down, and then back up. He wore the uniform of a Genii soldier and his face was caked with soot and dirt.

"It does not matter where I got it, but I can tell you that he was taken by the Genii."

"The Genii! What the hell do they want with Rodney?" John yelled and the anger in his voice was palpable.

"I don't know, but I do know that it was Kolya-"

Sheppard cut him off with a sharp shout.

"Kolya! That sonovabitch! Where is he? What planet are they on?"

"I don't know but…" The man's voice faded and he looked behind him, sounds could be heard and his face reapeared, a look of anxiety crossing his features. "I have to go..Kolya said something about a bomb….and…I have to go." The screen blinked out, the signal lost, and Sheppard let out a deep shout of anger.

"Goddamn it! Get him back on, we need to know where that bastard Kolya has taken Rodney!"

Ronon stepped forward and gripped Sheppard heaving shoulder.

"We'll find him." He said in a gruff voice.

Sheppard turned on him, his voice still low with anger.

"You keep saying that, but you arent doing anything to find him, are you?"

It was Weir who spoke next, her voice was soft and calming, and those around her immediately fell into attention.

"I may have an idea where he is." She said.

**OOO**

Another month.

Perhaps.

McKay thought.

He had no way of keeping track. Didn't really care.

No one was coming. Sheppard did not care about him anymore.

"Little bomb equals big boom." He muttered.

His mind wandered away from him, chasing an errant thought like a cat chasing a mouse.

"No. No. No! Stay here!" He shrieked in a sudden panic. "Stay here."

The bomb was almost complete, but really, McKay couldn't be certain it would work. He supposed that it was only a matter of time before Kolya came and found it. That was why McKay had made a seperate control, so that he could choose when the bomb would go off.

"Gotta save myself. All alone now." He whispered, suddenly close to tears.

McKay worked feverishly, no sleep and no break expect when stale looking food was thrown into his cell. He worked until his mind began to fade around the edges and the world tilted. He blinked, bewildered.

The table was at an odd angle, and so was the floor. An echo of pain fluttered through his skull. McKay closed his eyes and dreamed.

_He fell through the stargate, giving a shout for Atlantis to close the iris behind him._

"_They were right behind me!" He gasped as the annoyed faces of his team peered over the railings above him._

"_Who was?" Ronon queried, eyebrows raised in question._

"_The …the Genii…." McKay looked at each of them in turn, a strange feeling settled in the pit of his stomach. They did not appear worried for him, for how long he had been gone._

"_Why would the Genii be after you, Rodney? They're dead." John said caustically._

"_But..how!" _

"_We blew up their base, Rodney." Teyla intoned sharply._

"_A fair amount of C4 as I recall, one hell of a blast." John added. His smile twitched his lips._

_McKay blustered._

"_Werent you worried about me? I was _IN _there." He said._

_His team shrugged dismissively and the feeling in McKay's gut grew into something ugly and clawed. He stepped back, shocked for a moment, and then a state of depressed dismay clouded his mind._

"_They don't care. They don't want me back." He said and stepped back into the swimming blue of the gate. McKay felt the exact moment when the gate shut down and his body was turned to dust._

"They won't save me."

The words were shouted from McKay lips even before he woke. His eyes did not want to open and he lay there blindly, caught in the dregs of the dream.

He felt the vast emptiness inside him that had been growing steadily larger as the weeks had passed. He wondered, vaguely, that if he threw something down into that emptiness, would it be gone for good? He decided to test this thought, he had nothing else to do.

McKay felt his mind sliding around, puzzle pieces that were no longer pieced together jostled for his attention.

Numbers came first, a mass of seemingly chaotic numbers that, at that moment, meant absolutely nothing to him. He grabbed them, he really had no more need of numbers, and threw them down, tossed them away and into the emptiness. They fell down and down, he lost all memory and knowledge of those numbers and it made him giggle softly.

"Having hysterics does not become you, Doctor McKay."

The voice held a hint of amusement, but amusement at him, at the pathetic man that McKay had become.

"You have completed the bomb."

McKay nodded, his cheek scraped on the cold floor and he felt dirt itch in the corner of his eye. Perhaps he should have cared that Kolya was now in possession of the bomb, but he didn't. Couldn't.

"Complete." He whispered and dirt puffed in a cloud before his face. He didn't feel good. The pain in his leg was almost breath-stealing and he felt unbearably cold yet his skin was feverishly hot. Sweat trickled down the back of his neck, making him shiver violently. He was sure he was rotting inside, festering, decaying.

"Then we will move on. Give me the IDC so I may send the bomb through the Atlantis." Kolya said, his feet stamped the dirt floor as he made his way over to McKay.

McKay felt the heavy foot rest on his throat.

"I do not have time for this, Doctor, my patience is wearing thin."

McKay frowned, the words spinning through his mind.

Patience! Since when had Kolya shown patience?

He supposed he should get angry, but then his features smoothed over and he was sinking into a harsh, black sleep.

Strangely though, the sleep did not bring dreams, instead, McKay woke some time later with his hands bound before him and the smell of stale air surrounding him. He blinked, eyes over-sensitive to even the dim lights swinging overhead.

There were people around him, holding him upright, their fingers dug painfully into his arms. McKay's hands curled, forming fists and he felt something cold between his palms.

"Wha…?"He tried to say, but his throat closed on him, making him cough and hack until he could breathe again.

The object in his hands almost fell, but he stretched out his fingers to catch it, hoping that anyone who had seen the slight movement would take it as sickness or weakness. He let his eyes look down, confusion first to flit through his mind, but it was quickly followed by relief tinged with hope.

It was the detonator.

McKay swiftly rolled his eyes upward to survey his surroundings

Kolya stood in front his soldiers, the man at his side held the bomb gingerly, Kolya's eyes rested on McKay.

"It is time to move on."

The roof was rock, it appeared, and was held in place by thick, steady beams, as were the walls and the floor was soft dirt.

It would work, McKay thought silently, beginning to sweat in anticipation.

But Kolya's next words struck him dead on the spot.

"We have the code that will allow us to enter Atlantis without them raising the barrier on the other side, thanks to Doctor McKay."

He stopped breathing.

No.

No, no.

His finger twitched on the detonator.

The world exploded.

* * *

Thank you so much to those who have reveiwed, I'm glad you took the time to read and reveiw and I really hope you liked it.

I would also like to thank xVardax for pointing out that The Genii would be way more interested in bombs and weapons of mass destruction than simply the code to let down the iris. Thank you!

And I hope this chapter actually made some sense.

Alerix Slynn.


	4. Chapter 4

Lonely Dreams and Uttered Pleas

"_Meredith? Mer, wake up dear."_

_Moonlight fluttered delicately through the curtains as Rodney searched for the source of the sound._

"_Sweetheart, its time to get up." _

_The smell of roses filled the air, soothing the lingering fear left behind by nightmares. Rodney peered up at his mother, watched her pretty face above his suddenly crumple. He didn't understand the tears falling freely from her blue eyes. Her eyes were so like his, Rodney wiped his own, feeling like he should be crying too._

"_Give me a hug, Mer." His mother whispered and leaned down to hug him, Rodney scooted closer, liking the way his mother's arms enveloped him, safety, warmth, love. He wrapped his own arms around her neck and squeezed tightly._

"_What's the matter, mum?" He asked, voice muffled and soft._

_There was a moment of quiet, Rodney breathed in his mother's perfume and closed his eyes, but he could still hear her soft sobs._

"_Mum? Whats wrong. Is Jeannie sick?" Rodney asked, worry worming its way through his skull and he pulled away ever so slightly so that he could look into her familiar face._

_He was not used to the tears and smudged make up._

"_Mum?" Rodney asked, he coughed slightly and it made his chest ache. _

_His mother wiped her eyes and rubbed his back, trying to sooth him. It helped in a small way, in an emotional way, but not a physical way. The way she ran her hands in circles over Rodney's back was useless, but he did not tell her to stop._

"_It's okay, sweety, you'll be better soon." She said._

_Rodney nodded, if his mother told him he would be fine, then it was true._

"_But, Mer, I have to tell you something. Something important, and you have to promise to keep it a secret, okay?" _

_Rodney nodded, his head was hurting and he just wanted to go back to sleep._

"_Stay awake, Mer, stay awake for me. I need you to promise not to tell anyone, not even your dad." _

_Again, Rodney nodded._

_His mother's hand shook as she ran her fingers down the side of his face and then placed her palm over his feverish forehead._

"_I'm going away for a while, and I'm not sure when I'll be back." She began, and Rodney interrupted softly._

"_Where?"_

"_Hmm, to somewhere far away, Mer, somewhere where the sun shines all day and night and the water doesn't freeze in the tap."_

"_Why can't I tell anyone? Mum, why are you going away?" _

_He was still sleepy, he didn't understand._

"_I'm going away, Meredith and I need you to be strong for me, can you do that?"_

"_But, why mum? Where are you going? Can't I come?" The words left his mouth in a rush, tripping over each other in haste._

_His mother sighed and it caught in her throat. She pulled away from Rodney, began to stand and move away from his bed._

"_No, sweetheart, I need you to stay and look after Jeannie. I need you to do that for me." She said._

_Rodney swallowed past the lump in his throat, he pulled back the covers on his bed and staggered to his feet. The floorboards were cool beneath his toes, quickly chilling his bare feet._

"_Don't leave me, mum." He wheezed between coughs._

_He tried to hug his mother again, to grab a hold of her and never let her go. But her hand touched his shoulders. She touched him, Rodney wanted a hug, but instead he was pushed away. His mother pushed him away and ran from the room._

_The world swayed, Rodney was icy inside. His mother….Mum had pushed him away._

_His eyes dropped to the floor and he wondered whether he was going to cry, whether he should run after his mother. Then the door creaked and a little face surounded by locks of golden hair peeked around the door._

_Rodney looked up at his little sister Jeannie and watched her silently. He said nothing as she crept up to him, looked at him with her big eyes, trusting, innocent, she believed he would protect her from everything and everyone. Jeannie believed that Rodney was capable of turning the world inside out and pulling the very moon from the sky, just for her._

"_Mer? I can't sleep and I can't find mummy."_

_Rodney nodded. _

_He helped his sister into his bed and crawled in after her, caccooning her in warmth, as he knew she wanted. Jeannie's soft curls tickled his chin and he watched the reflection of the moon in her eyes._

"_Mum's not coming back."_

_He whispered._

"_Mummy's never coming back."_

McKay was surrouded by pain and darkness. He could hear a muffled ringing in the distance, unaware that it was his ears ringing from the force of the explosion. He was encased, surounded, trapped.

A little whimper slipped heedlessly from his dirt caked lips and it began a fit of hacking coughs and whoops. After several moments air trickled back into his lungs, but he did not struggle to draw in any more.

He did not know where he was, why he was there, how he had gotten there.

Questions, questions, so many questions and too little answers.

McKay smiled briefly before sinking back into his memories.

They were untouched and pure, even the painful ones.

"_What are you doing?" _

_Rodney jumped, tipping the piano stool over and letting his finger fall heavily on the keys with an omnious clash._

_He gazed up at his father with a neutral expression, he saw the anger lurking behind those eyes, those black pitted eyes. Snakes eyes._

"_What the hell do you think you're doing, Boy?" His father repeated._

_Obviously drinking, Rodney thought to himself, he could see the little branches of red in his father's eyes and the slack set to his mouth, he could even smell it, lingering in the air like a bad dream, the smell of alcohol. Poison to the mind._

"_Fucking answer me, boy!" His father roared and Rodney's heart wiltered. He hoped Jeannie wasn't home._

"_I was playing the piano." He said obediently, even as it killed him._

"_It's ten fucking thirty in the morning and you're playing the piano!" _

_Rodney nodded, his fingers itched to touch the keys again. But then, his piano teacher's voice rang through his head, mocking, snide._

'_You are a fine clinical player, Meredith, but you have no real sense of the art. You will never be a true musician.'_

_Disapointment tinted with regret, regret with himself, clouded his mind and it was not until the last moment that he saw his father's hand moving toward his face. He really hoped Jeannie wasn't home. _

"Jeannie." McKay whispered. He loved her, loved her as much as a brother could love his sister.

But he also loved his Atlantis family, Carson, John, Teyla, Ronon and Elizabeth. No, but he couldn't love them, could he? They hadn't rescued him, they'd left him for dead without a moment of guilt.

"Alone now." He said, his throat was raw and achey.

The coldness was numbing, he coudnt feel his legs, nor his lower back. McKay did not understand why, but neither did he panic. His fingers twitched, one hand moving against grainy dirt, the other barely twinging at all, perhaps caught beneath something.

Still, he did not panic.

No time to panic.

No need….

_The snow fell like small crystals, white, cold, no two exactly alike._

_Rodney huffed through his scarf, he watched his sister Jeannie tapping the hockey stick against the ice and glared._

"_I am not playing with you Jeannie." He yelled, and his younger sister giggled playfully, her blonde curls speckled with snow._

_She tapped the ice again._

"_Come on, Mer! Just one game, ple-ase, then you can go work on your science thingy."_

"_It's not a thingy, Jeannie, It's a-" Rodney began, Jeannie cut him off as he skated closer and pulled him onto the ice._

"_You can go back to it afterwards, 'kay?" Jeannie called and skated back to the other end of the frozen pond. Rodney huffed again, but held his hockey stick against the ice._

_It wasn't that he disliked playing, he just didn't have the time for it._

_The makeshift puck that slid toward him was easy, Jeannie was letting him warm up and he hit it back the same. It went on for a while, the game, they were both flushed and laughing when it happened. Rodney was skating to the other end of the pond, his laugh trailing in the air behind him._

_Jeannie shouted something, her voice making him turned. The ice beneath their skates gave a very loud, bone rattling 'crack!'. They both froze, and then Jeannie disapeared. Rodney's panic turned his limbs to mush, but somehow, pushing through the terror, he rushed to the gaping hole and stared into darkness, willing his sister to surface. But she didn't._

_Rodney shucked his gloves and slipped into the black water._

_Cold. Clammy. Breathless._

_Rodney's mind screamed for him to swim back upward but his eyes caught a flash of ripping gold and he found his sister fighting to stay concious several meters away. He swam to her, fingers closing around her wrist even as he struggled to stay awake himself. _

_He felt so heavy, so sleepy._

_NO._

_He told him self, NO._

_Rodney nearly didn't make it to the surface, his hands scrambled against the layer of ice that held them trapped, but then one hand shot through and he grappled to hold on. He pushed Jeannied upward and then himself. He gasped in a breath, it was like bitter cold acid in his lungs. Jeannie wasn't moving._

"_Jeannie?" He mumbled between blue tinged lips. "Jeannie?"_

_They were out of the water, on the edge of the hole, Rodney wrapped his arms around his sister. Willing her to breathe. _

"_Come on, sis." He moaned in agony. "Come back."_

_He clutched her tightly, rocking slightly, and then he heard a weak cough and felt Jeannie's body shudder and struggly to draw in air._

"_Its okay. It's okay." He was whispering as tears rolled down his numbed cheeks._

_They sat there, dripping wet, shivering and close to hyperthermia. But they were alive and together._

McKay was crying.

He lay in the dark and cried.

* * *

Haha, sorry, I wanted to write about McKay when he was younger, the next chapter will tell if he survived the explosion or not. I hope you staye tuned to find out!

Thanks for reading and for those who have reveiwed.

Alerix Slynn.


	5. Chapter 5

Lonely Dreams and Uttered Pleas

Tangible. _Intangible._

Substantial. _Insubstantial._

Corporeal. _Incorporeal._

Broken and twisted. Warped and bleak. McKay was but a ghost of the man he was. No longer bright, sharp, quick witted. He blinked into the darkness and felt the hot tickle of tears rolling down his grimy cheeks.

"Bomb." McKay muttered. "Bomb means…."

His voice veered off, and his mind stumbled, attemping to form the word that would mean his death or his survival.

"Escape…escape."

McKay shuddered. His fingers curled and he felt stone and dirt shift around him. He was enclosed and trapped. But perhaps he _could _escape, if he dug himself out.

It was hard to think, McKay felt feverish, sick. It took him a moment to remember his knee, the shattered bone and the weakness that ensued. He remembered the bruises and broken ribs. Blood dribbled down the side of his face from a multitude of cuts and grazes on his forehead. He blinked against the pain.

"Think, McKay, think." He mumbled to himself.

And, as hard as it was, he did.

It took him minutes to even build up the strength to move. He struggled to lift his head long enough to peer around him, though he was surounded by darkness. McKay tested the rock pinning his hands and found them easier to shift than those above his back and head. He was able to curl his arms by his sides.

It hurt.

His feet, they couldn't move yet, he would have to push the rubble in front of him out of the way first. He manuvered his hands so that they went straight up by his head, McKay's shoulders screamed in protest but he did not stop. Large chunks of rock slid away from his fingers, he heard them rattle against something. Metal, perhaps.

He still saw no light.

Working and pushing his body beyond its exhaustion point, McKay cleared away the rock in front of him until his achy and shaking fingers hit something rough and cold. A metal support beam. His thoughts muddled and tried to come up with a solution, but with no such luck. His fingers continued to scramble against the metal.

He gave a harsh shout that sounded like the rough hack of a dying dog. Then he slammed his fists against the beam with all him remaining might. The last ounces of his anger, resentment, hurt and pain fled him and he lay winded and alone. Wondering why he should even bother to try.

Why he should _want_ to try?

_The sun and the wind and the rain. The wind ate at the sun and the rain ate at the wind._

_Standing on the periphery of Atlantis, looking down upon his home and his new life. A life he had been stolen from._

_McKay felt empty, weightless, yet so very heavy and so very tired. He was flying, but inside he was dying. McKay just wanted to give up._

_In his life, McKay had been through some bad times, he had seen so many around him die and suffer, so many things had happened to his friends and to himself. _

_Heat licked at his feet and began to scorch the remains of his uniform. McKay looked down. Atlantis no longer sat beneath him, there were flames and rocks and a horrid, blinding redness that reminded him of lava._

_With a little cry, McKay lost what hold he had in the air around him and began to fall. He looked up, arms reaching for something or someone to grab and hold onto. _

_He saw Sheppard._

_Their hands clasped, Sheppard's grip on him was unbearbley tight. _

_And that was when McKay knew, when he reached out, there would always be someone reaching back for him._

OOO

Sheppard cast a dark look at the crumpled building before him, the roof had collapsed in the centre, leaving it to sit low and ugly between other, whole buidlings.

Teyla came to stand beside Sheppard, one hand resting on his arm and the other clutching her P-90. Ronon was a step behind, his exprestion somber and his hand fingering the gun at his belt.

"How can he be here? There's nothing left." Ronon said, his voice rumbling in his massive chest.

Sheppard decided not to comment, he could not. He had to believe that Rodney was alive and well, that he would be awaiting his rescue unscathed.

Sheppard motioned his small team forward and their footsteps found uneasy purchase on the crushed ground. However, they were persistant.

"Do you think it is safe?" Teyla asked quietly, eyeing the darkness beyond the crooked doorway. They could see steps leading down, down into the unknown.

"Rodney's down there." Was all Sheppard said, and he began the trek downard.

The torch on Sheppard and Teyla's P-90s were not very strong when faced with the task of lighting the hazey dimness. They could see the steps beneath their feet, but nothing else.

They did not know the steps they walked, McKay had only just walked the previous month.

"Whoa…" Ronon uttered when they had finished the descent. They stood in a long hallway, there was a light, it swung gently through the air so far beyond, so far away, perhaps they would never reach it.

Sheppard closed his eyes for a brief moment. There was hope in his chest, waiting to unfurl like a flower beneath the sun, when the time was right. But he feared that, if he were to let that hope blossom right now and was disappointed, he might not make it to Rodney.

OOO

"Get him out."

The words jerked McKay from his daze. He opened his eyes and was instantly blinded by a harsh light. He recoiled, but was abruptly grabbed by several hands and hauled from beneath rock and metal.

McKay screamed against the abuse.

His leg twisted and bent, his ruined knee sending shots of white-hot pain up his thigh and stomach. His scream went on and on and on. He screamed while they dragged him from his dark prison.

OOO

Sheppard was running.

He was beyond mind and control.

Unaware that Ronon and Teyla were close behind, Sheppard followed the heart-renching screams that echoed down the shadowed hallway. Those screams were familiar, painfully familiar.

Dimly, he heard Teyla whispering to Ronon, "What could someone possibly be doing to make Rodney scream like that?" She asked.

Sheppard did not want to think…

The light was above them, and then they turned a corner to see the damage that had been wrought by McKay's explosion. Stunned, each one of them stunned. There were bodies littered like rubbish thrown in a grotesque array and mess. There was blood, there was dirt, and there was the stench of death.

"Do you think-" Teyla began but she broke off when she saw Sheppard's expression.

Fear.

Fear that his friend had not escaped.

OOO

Being dragged.

Unsure by whom. To where.

McKay was bleary, semi-concious and feverish. He knew fear, was bathing in it and sweating it, but he could barely understand why.

His head bumped against something, he felt a sting and then the hot trickle of blood. The heavy, callous whispers from people overhead were like claws racking inside McKay's skull. He winced, and then grimaced because he winced. The pain was everywhere.

"Hurry up, he said to make sure the Atlantean's don't see us or hear us."

"'Kay, hold up, my foots caught on something."

One of McKay's legs was unceremoniously dumped to the ground, the other not far behind. McKay let out a shriek and then a groan. A hand slapped over his mouth and a wave of dizziness slammed into him.

"Sshh!" Someone hissed at him, face inches from his own. McKay shivered violently.

"Alright, lets get him out of here."

McKay could see them now, the Genii soldiers. They were covered in dirt and had splotches of blood spreading beneath their uniform. Both looked weary and anxious.

The soldiers picked McKay's legs up and they began dragging him again. He would have protested, would have, but once again he could not make his mouth form the necessary words.

The world faded in and out. Hazey one moment and vivid in clarity the next. Voice and words tuned like the fiddling dial on a radio back on earth. McKay wished he were on earth.

He wished.

And hoped.

"Sheppard."

OOO

No sign of Rodney. Sheppard felt a large amount of relief. If McKay was not with the dead, then he was somewhere else, alive. Teyla and Ronon looked to Sheppard in silent question. He chewed on his lip, unsure for a moment.

Should they continue, or turn back?

* * *

I know this wasn't the best chapter but I hope you enjoyed it.

I would also like the thank everyone who has reveiwed, you are sunshine and rainbows and whump stories that I stay up until the wee hours of the morning to read.

If you have a whump story...well, I'd more than love to read it. *winkety wink*

Also, I have found myself going all gooey over stories where Rodney gets turned into a kid *awwww*

Alerix Slynn


	6. Chapter 6

Lonely Dreams and Uttered Pleas

Wasps were flying through the air.

Hitting the walls and ricocheting back. The sound was deafening, blinding, numbing.

McKay twisted around, curling onto his side and pushing his face into the dirt. He gasped as something landed heavily on his legs and when he closed his mouth, the dirt was gritty between his teeth.

"_Sheppard."_ McKay whimpered weakly, pleading at imaginary figures, grasping at straws.

His mind was in turmoil, being sucked down a vortex and breaking apart before he could hit the bottom. His swollen and bloodied fingers shook beside his face, pressing into his cheek.

The wasps had stopped flying and there was quiet.

McKay wasn't sure he liked the quiet, he felt dead, he felt suffocated by the impenetrable stillness. He wondered whether he was still breathing, even, it was that quiet.

"Dying." He muttered and, vaguely, he was pleased with the way it flowed effortlessly off his tongue.

"No, Rodney, not dying. Never dying." A voice said into McKay's ear, confusing him.

A puff of warm air blew across his cheek, and then a warm hand was placed on his neck, he was unaware they were checking for a pulse. They found it, weak, thready, barely there.

"Come on buddy, open your eyes." Again, insistent.

But McKay didn't care, why should he? He was dying. Dying. Inevitable.

"Please, open your eyes McKay, please."

He was suddenly warm, wrapped and held tight. McKay let out a shaky breath. And then another. He felt himself going limp in the mysterious warmth, revelling in it and wishing it would never let go.

But he was still shivering, his teeth chattering and his fingers were so cold against his cheek. Tears were spilling down his cheeks, a tide let loose. He sniffled weakly, wondering if he was dead yet.

"Dammit, Rodney! I didn't wait this long just to watch you give up!" The voice yelled into his ear and McKay gave a full bodied shudder. The arms around him were so tight, so warm, the voice yelling in his ear scared him, made him pull back even further from the world.

He was sinking deeper and deeper, away from the cold and the pain. McKay smiled as his shivering subsided.

_Standing in sand. Toes curling into the warm softness that made him smile._

_McKay opened his eyes, took in the beautiful veiw that was the beach and the sparkling ocea. The sun was so brigtht above and the sky was the bluest of blues. A seagull soared overhead._

_McKay sat in the sand and smelled the salty water and the seaweed. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been the beach, time was a funny thing. It ran without legs and skipped without joy._

_Something dripped onto his forehead. McKay frowned and reached up a hand to wipe it away. His fingeres came away red, blood pooling in his palm. Revulsion filled him, sent his staggered to the waters edge to wash the blood off. _

_The water was cooling and serene._

_But the sun was no longer warm, it was an empty orb that was filled with hollow light and false hope._

_McKay's reflection watched sadly as he scrubbed and scrubbed at the blood that would not wash off. McKay began to cry as it appeared to stain his skin._

_And then he looked at his reflection, but the McKay reflection did not move with him, instead it simply watched him, and whispered._

"_You're done."_

_The reflection shifted and he was staring at first Kolya and then Sheppard. Anger and then sadness._

_Such sadness._

_The faux McKay returned and McKay watched in horror as bruises blossomed in purples and blacks along his face. Blood spurted and then dripped thickly down his face in rivets that dried and cracked._

_A little sob escaped McKay's lips and he tried to back up, but the water was like quick sand, sucking him down by his hands and his legs. He remained in that post, mouth open in fear as from the water rose his reflection, whole and real. It surfaced from the water without so much as a gasp and sat before McKay._

"_You're done." He whispered again._

_McKay felt utter panic and desperation pull his fist back and then strike. He hit his reflection in the face and expected to feel soft skin and bone break against his hand._

_But instead he was met by a hard force, cold and solid. Pain lit his body alight and he began to wheeze, feeling blood run down his own face._

_The faux McKay collapsed in a mass of uneven shards and slivers, shinning beneath the tried to gather them up, but they pricked and stung at his hand. He began to sob, it was so hard to breathe, he couldn't think and soon couldn't see properly._

_He sat back and collapses in on himself, wishing he would just die already and he supposed, he knew, that like a broken mirror, it was better to leave his mind broken than hurt himself trying to fix it._

"_You're done." He said. And he began to laugh._

"Please. Please. Please. Please. Please." A choked moan. Sad. Full of heartbreak.

McKay shifted uneasily in the darkness of his mind, metaphysically wiping the tears from his eyes as he finally recognized the voice that was calling to him.

**Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard Sheppard**

"Sheppard."

A weak laugh. "Yes, Rodney it's me, we came for you. Open your eyes for me, buddy."

McKay thought for a moment. He pushed through those broken and fractured shards that were the remnants of his once brilliant mind and he surfaced.

OOO

Hearing that word. That single word uttered in the whispered plea of someone he knew as a dear friend, spurred Sheppard on.

"Sheppard."

He began to run, over the ruins and through the rest of the hallways, he saw the acute angle and stopped, peering through a dark doorway. Sheppard made out two figures hurrying down another long hallway. There was a dark shape dragging behind them.

Dread filled him when he saw that still figure, but then desperation made his growl.

Without another thought, Sheppard raised his gun and fired, shot after shot, until both figures were motionless and broken.

He stood frozen for a moment, his breathing was rapid and harsh, hurting his chest and pulling at his achy heart. Teyla and Ronon caught up to him, Teyla uttered a little cry.

And then he was kneeling beside his friend, hands hovering over him as if he were unsure, how to act, what to do.

Rodney mumbled something and Sheppard felt his face go pale. He leaned in and whispered into the motionless man's ear.

"No, Rodney, not dying. Never dying." And a little frown formed on Rodney forehead.

Sheppard touched his cheek, moving to rest his fingers on McKay's throat to feel for a pulse. He was acutely aware of how bitterly cold his friend's skin was.

"Come on buddy, open your eyes." Sheppard hissed. He felt torn apart, Rodney was in such bad condition. He was covered in blood, his hands looked mangled and his face was bruised beyond possibility.

"Please, open your eyes McKay, please."

He was going to break. _Please, please,_ Sheppard thought silently, begging, praying.

He gathered his friend into his arms, his head was heavy on Sheppard's shoulder. He could feel Rodney's shaking lessen, but he wasn't sure it was a good thing.

"Dammit, Rodney! I didn't wait this long just to watch you give up!"He shouted it without warning and even Teyla and Ronon jumped.

It seemed to rouse the limp form that had once been the animated Rodney McKay. But still the man did not open his eyes. Sheppard wanted so desperately to see those baby blues.

"Please. Please. Please. Please. Please." He found himself moaning in anguish, rocking McKay back and forth like one might a sick child.

"Sheppard."

"Yes, Rodney it's me, we came for you. Open your eyes for me, buddy."

Sheppard watched as his friends lashes fluttered and then parted, revealed a pair of washed out, bleak blue eyes. It broke something inside him to see that bleakness, that hopelessness and that strange glint that could only be madness. He pulled McKay even more tightly into his arms.

"I'm sorry, Rodney."

"Sheppard."

"So sorry."

OOO

McKay closed his eyes and wondered whether he was dead yet.

* * *

I hope you enjoyed the last chapter of _Lonely Dreams and Uttered Pleas._

I'm sorry if the end was not fitting or not what you expected. I might write a sequel, if enough people want it, which is doubtful!

I hope you reveiw with what you thought of the story overall, whether you liked it or hated it, I'd love to hear from you, the readers.

And thank you so much to everyone that has reveiwed! You have made this time bearable! And I look forward to coming home from school and logging on to FanFic.

Alerix Slynn


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